Monday, May 26, 2008

The Communiqués of R to the 2nd Power 8

Ron: "short one now... tornado alley is iowa tonight. already one big one north of here, and warnings all around. exciting, but serious too. marge insists in sleeping in their trailer despite the long shot chance of severe winds and rain. she says "we have all our 'stuff' and our own bed". interesting that you had so much time with monika. tell me more. and interesting that blaise is in touch again.j off to bed soon. tomorrow to craig's in c.r. just for the day. then here til friday night train at 7 pm. i don't quite know how to interpret your comment about audibles, but to be honest, first responses were hyper sensitive. like, is this a criticism? what am i doing wrong now? even with the smile symbol, i'm unsure of this message. also thought it meant i should have called you by now... but it'd be easier for you to jajah than for me to ask to use phones here. not a comfortable notion for me. maybe from billicks, ok, but not family who cite every extra penny for gas, etc. anyway, it was a downer not knowing what was behind your response to my, i thought, positive effort to connect with you. don't want to add stress to you at this time, but that's what happened. i'll be back here tuesday morning." Ryan: "Cranky over no computer, stressed over feeling like a hostage waiting for guests and not knowing when they are showing up with the info in the e-mails. Tired of using the laptop. The audibles is a two way street. I am just as responsible. Whenever one of us is away, it comes to mind again how communicative we are with each other. When we are together, it seems less so. How often do I tell you I love you? When was the last time I told you how important you are to me? Can you remember the last time I told you I thought you were sexy? Maybe it is a 15 year symptom, but WE let the daily rigors of daily living get in the way of telling each other these things. I keep thinking back to CA living and I honestly don’t think it was different. There always seems to be much to strip away emotional energy so WE neglect each other in that way. As I sit here bored, I think back to what I would have done differently in CA. Who would I call to do something? Margie? Who else? No one. What would I do? Go to the bookstore or Starbucks. It is a bit depressing that life is the same regardless of the country. Having too much time is time to do some self-reflection and my conclusion is that I don’t like me as much as I should. Something I have thought about often, but try to dismiss, not sure what to do about it. As the saying goes, “I love my computer, because that is where all of my friends are.” Sad commentary, but it is a lifeline for me. When I can get out, I don’t know where to go or what to do. I went down to the river the other night and walked around. It was nice, but not really fulfilling. I wondered what would fulfill me and came back with blank thoughts. I also noticed I don’t remember my dreams like I used to. I don’t have creative thoughts as often as I used to and I feel my sense of humor is dwindling. Too much time to think. Remember if you think a finger is being pointed at you, there are four pointing back at the pointer."

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