Timing is Everything

Writing for me is a healing tool, so with that in mind, I am sharing this personal event. Yesterday, my father died. We were in transit from Tokyo, Japan back to Budapest. If he had lived until January 22nd, he would have been 83 years old, but that was not a milestone he felt a need to reach. When he turned 80, he shared with me how surprised he was by the fact that he made it that long. My mother had died years before.

Each time we traveled, I had this sinking feeling that this time would be the time that my brother tried reaching me in vain. Today was that day. Getting home at midnight last night, I was too overstimulated to sleep, so woke at 4am. I had to be at school at 9am and was there most of the day. After feeling like a success by making it home with my eyes open, I succumbed to a rest. Still it took me quite some time to doze off and when I did, I thought I heard the phone in my hazy state. Thinking they would call back, I let it go. Then my mobile started ringing, but I could not make sense of the sound through the groggy web of thought. 

When I finally conceded that there really is no rest for the wicked, the e-mail was the first thing I checked. Just spotting the Facebook message from my brother was enough to put me on high alert. We are not casual communicators. Just as I was trying to call him, he tried successfully to reach me. 

Dad died in his sleep yesterday morning. Though a stroke had paralyzed his one leg in a permanently contracted position, he was still in great spirits. According to my brother he was loved by all of the staff. Knowing my father, it is not difficult to believe. In fact, only the contrary would be unbelievable. Everyone knew him as "Good Guy Jack". 

I tried calling him before we left. His room in the nursing home didn't have a phone. I called the nursing station repeatedly asking if they could get him to the phone, but each time they claimed they were too short handed or he was complaining about not feeling well. I knew if he knew I was calling, he would have made it to the phone. We never did get to say our good-byes the way they should have been. 

He was in New Jersey and so is my brother. Dad will spend his eternity there next to my mother. My brother said, "I am not sure I know what to feel." I am kind of the same way at the moment. There was the expectation every day, but now that it is here, I am not certain how to feel. But writing about it is healing at least.

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Elderly Parent

I called my father for our bi-monthly chat and to say good-bye as we leave for vacation. He has been in a quandary over what to do about his house. He has thought of bankruptcy, selling it, and a reverse mortgage. The heartbreaker is that the house was paid off. However, due to his lonliness, he took in a woman and her two children back in 2001. Little did he know then that she was taking him in, for every red cent he had. This was not a sexual relationship; she had burned through all social service agencies in the tri-county area, so she needed someone to feed off of and my father was the perfect target being a new widower. Regardless of the protests my brother and I put up, he refused to let her go or actually to kick her out. He continued to feel sorry for her and especially the children. He cared more for the kids than she did. Each time he was hospitalized, she took his credit cards and went on a buying spree: without his knowledge or consent.. However, he refused to do anything about it. This happened repeatedly. Now we has gone from being debt free to owing $176,000. This is not the new news that I received from this phone call. I had known this for some time. What shocked me on this call was his incredibly upbeat mood when he shared with me that he is in line to win a million dollars from the West Indies. Upon hearing this news, I felt like someone had reached down my throat, grabbed me by the toes and pulled me inside out. My father, my intelligent father has fallen for this scam. Maintaining my calm, trying not to pop his bubble with the first pin prick, I gently offered that I receive scam letters via the e-mail on a daily basis. With this, he admitted that he received them in the postal mail and tosses them, but this was a phone call, so it was different. Stay calm, stay calm! Venturing slowly, I asked if he had given any credit card information or bank account numbers, but he only responded with laughter. Repeating the question did not produce any better answers than the first go round. Trying a different tactic, I asked if my brother knew? He said he did and told dad to be careful. When I reiterated about the account information, dad said he had very little in the checking account and most of his credit cards were maxed out anyway. If these scammers had done their homework, they should have noticed this is a poor time investment. Though we do send him monthly checks, I hate to think it is going to the West Indies or anywhere, but toward his bills. As long as he is fluid of mind, the Elder Abuse people are powerless to intervene. We have tried that before when the vixen did her dirty deeds using his account. This will all have to play out on its own.

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